Yet Again

*Reader discretion is advised

It's been 6 years since I first felt it. 6 years later, I still find myself running away from the lights of it. Once again, I find that I could no longer hold it in till it's the time to let it out. "Hey, since you managed to resist that temptation for 6 full months last year, I'm sure you'll be able to go through it once again, this time with less troubles. I know you can!" I had always thought that I could take the stress, but it ended up all the same, I can't clear the exams partially because of that. I know, that now that school life has changed, so has the extent of its strength. So, should I just play on like nothing has ever happened, or should I face up to reality, coldly expressing it, regardless of the outcome which could cause a great deal of pain and damage? After being lost for a week now, a dream the night before led me a step closer to my much-sought after answers.

It was the first day of a new school semester. While walking with friends to class, I met a close friend. I was ignored. "Maybe you should just keep searching, my friend, I'm sorry, but I think that your time has not arrived yet. Oh, and don't mind me, but maybe in ten years time, you might still be the same, still searching for the right one. Ha, or maybe, you'll never get a chance to build your own nest." I just wasn't bold enough. But, I have face up to the emptiness that's inside, and defeat it once and for all, so that we can be one. During lunch, it was raining heavily. We sat together as always, but, all I felt was, the emptiness from within, slowly consuming me with each foolish thought that ran through my mind.

It was 11am when I finally woke from that dream. So, I decided. I Will do something about it. Never mind the pain. Never mind the loss. As long as the bonds of friendship remains just like what happened 5 months back, I would not lose anything. Tonight, if I am still fully awake, I had better consult a friend whose had experienced similar incidents for some time now, for advice.

I always have the tendency to think about others before making my move, so much to the extent that I worry too much about their well being that I end up doing nothing to change things.
But somehow, that part of me never showed itself under such circumstances. Three times. Three times I prepared to make the flight, three times I never got near to making it happen. In time, it's going to be my fourth. Although I never want to fail again, I want to be sure. I want to be sure about whether I am able to maintain my flight, and whether I will be able to find a place to build the nest later on. Now, as much as I want to take off, I am definitely not ready to shoulder all that burden. I have never ventured that far out before, but that reason alone, is no reason for me to take things easy.

Guess I never asked about the way you felt. Wanted to do that, but was afraid of falling into the depths. Wish that we could be together alone, but, was afraid of making you feel awkward. I wonder, how long more must I take, before I can become a better person and unleash my potential that's been asleep in me for so long?



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Jon(Exits)